My Littlest Angel

Our precious little caboose turned one years old today, 6/26!! I can't even believe it's been a year already! It seems like she was born just a blink of an eye ago, and yet I can't even remember what life was like without her. I know this is going to be long, but since I have never written any of this down and my blog is my journal, I need to do this and write down a couple of things about Ava and why she is such a miracle baby for our family. So many of you that will be reading this helped me through one of the most terrifying yet amazing times of my life, and so this is for all of you who were there for me, too.

After having had twins, I swore off having another baby...forever!! The severe post-partum depression, sleepless days and nights while working full-time graveyards and coming home and not sleeping were highly over-rated in my book of life. However, when the twins were a couple of years old, Andrew and I had the feeling that there was another baby for us. I spent some time in denial, but the feeling was so strong that we could not shake it. So we started trying to have the baby when the twins were 2. Surely I should get pregnant right away because the feeling was so strong! But things never work out how you plan.

After trying to have a baby for 2 years on our own, I spent a year on Clomid trying to have this baby that we felt so strongly about. But a year on Clomid did me in; it made me feel terrible and irritable, kind of like you're pre-menstrual ALL the time. Again, highly over-rated in my book of life. I finally resigned myself to the fact that the baby was never coming to us because my body and mind could not take anymore of this torture. I needed to be there for the children I already had.

I won't get into the emotional and physical suffering infertility causes (I have experienced infertility with all my children except the twins, go figure), but it causes a wide range of emotional issues. I will just say it was a very difficult decision to take myself off the Clomid, especially because the feeling of having this other baby was stronger than ever before. I felt like a failure as this baby's mother and I felt like a failure as a woman overall.

I decided to give myself a trial of 6 months to see if I could move on and maybe even become healed from this experience. I spent a lot of time reflecting, praying, reading and doing whatever I could to shake the feelings of the presence of this baby. Up to this point, I had been holding onto all of my baby equipment and baby clothes for dear life, as my secret desire of beating the system and having this little one stayed with me. I made a deal with myself that I would know that I had been healed all the way when I was able to part with these items and give them away to someone who really needed them.

September came, and we had moved into our new house. I had brought ALL of my baby stuff in the move...crib, clothes, baby equipment galore...it was like Babies R Us in there!! One day it hit me. I knew I was going to be able to give my stuff away. The decision was as easy and casual as if I was deciding what to eat for breakfast. I immediately packed everything up and shipped it off to several people that I knew who needed the stuff. No remorse. No sadness. Only gladness that this was behind me remained. For the first time, I was so happy at all of the possibilities for my family. Now that the twins were in school, I would FINALLY be able to get off weekends!! We could have a life! We could go out of town on the weekends; no more coming home from work and not sleeping while trying to take care of my kids because they were now in school! I was getting more and more enthused by the second at the thought of having a somewhat normal schedule.

Long story made short....you see, the next month Andrew had this birthday in October and I kind of forgot to get him a present, and I had to think of something else really quick...you get the picture. 2 weeks later I was throwing up and was dizzy all the time. I arrived to work one Sunday morning, looked at the busy board, and burst into tears which I have never done in my life. Upon viewing this behavior from afar, my cute and darling friend, Dr. Sarah Z took me aside and informed me she thought I was pregnant. Incredulous, I assured her this was NOT the case because I had my future planned out now, and that future did not include a baby.

The next day I saw 2 pink lines on a stick. I couldn't believe it; I took 2 more and was definitely in shock and even a little bummed that my new plans had been altered and even MORE bummed that I didn't have any baby clothes or equipment anymore. I was like a brand new mom; except that instead of starting out with nothing I was finishing things off with nothing and would have to start over like a brand new mom!

When I was 14 weeks I went in for an ultrasound because my OB couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat at my first prenatal appointment at 13 weeks. That's when I found out the sex of my baby. I asked the sonographer why I couldn't see the penis. She said that it was because there was no penis, only a pair of cute labia in there. I responded that I already had 3 cute pairs of labia at home and that this baby was supposed to grow a penis. Another shock...my 4th girl. I was shocked at first, but then absolutely tickled PINK! I love surprises when I am truly surprised and not just acting surprised.

At 18 weeks my OB still couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat because I had an anterior placenta. So after a nightshift I decided to check out the baby's heartbeat with our ultrasound machine at work (oh the perks of being a labor and delivery RN!). I watched the baby's heart and was convinced that I saw something abnormal with the way that her heart was beating. I immediately got the doppler, determined that I was going to hear it for myself, hell or high water.

After about 15 minutes and having the doppler jammed into my abdomen at a very painful angle I was finally able to hear her heart beat for the first time. As a labor and delivery RN, my ears are trained to hear baby's heartbeats. Just from experience I can tell just by listening what the heart rate is, whether it's reassuring, or concerning, having a deceleration, whatever. When I heard her heartbeat, it was the most horrible thing I had ever heard; a hearbeat completely irregular and without pattern. I knew that something was wrong, and I immediately burst into tears (more like hysterics).

I exited the room and my friend, Cristy was there. I told her what I had discovered, and I told her I was leaving. She wouldn't let me leave in that state and said that I had to page my OB Dr. S who was at home. I refused because I was embarrassed and didn't want to disturb him on his day off, so she convinced me to page one of my favorite OB's who happened to be on that day, Dr. Dray, who I consider to be like a big brother to me. He immediately took me to the diagnostics center and confirmed what I had discovered; I was so upset and he was so sweet to me and just sat there and hugged me while I bawled and bawled and bawled, getting mascara on his purdy white jacket. He consoled me for a long time. I had to come back to work that night and he bought me pizza for dinner because he knew that I wouldn't eat. I heart him for that, and I will never forget how much that meant to me. Still, at the time I didn't know if this was the result of a structural anomaly or what. I thought my miracle baby was going to die. It was the worst feeling I have ever had, similar to when I learned that my dad had terminal cancer and was going to die.

I had to wait 4 weeks for the baby to be old enough to get in for an echo at Primary's. It was one of the most difficult time periods of my life waiting for that echo. Thankfully, her heart was structurally normal. Also her heart had settled into
a bigeminy which I felt was more hopeful than just shooting off like it had before.

She stayed in her bigeminy until 32 weeks, when she flipped into SVT. I was devastated and terrified for her. I thought she was going to develop hydrops and would have to be delivered prematurely. I was put on Digoxin and had to stay in the hospital on tele; I hate being in the hospital; the only good thing about it was that I got visits from my friends and I got to order grilled cheese sandwiches whenever I wanted. It was really hard making it through these times because once again I felt like the life of my miracle baby was being threatened. There are no words to describe how that feels.

Dr. B was co-managing me, and after several hospitilizations she finally gave the go-ahead for me to deliver at 37 weeks if I wanted to. I decided to deliver at 38 weeks on June 26th, the 26th being after the birthday of my dear Grandpa Ray who passed away in 1999.

When Dr. S showed me the baby over the partition on the OR table, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. She was a totally fat, chubby baby whose eyes were swollen shut from the fatness of her cheeks. My dear nurse, A then brought the baby over for me to see before being passed to the resus team. Seeing the baby again confirmed to me that I had NO idea who she was. She looked nothing like I had imagined.

The resus team finally determined that she was stable enough to stay with me. They wrapped the baby up and placed her in Andrew's arms. He came over to me and showed me her face. Still didn't know who this baby was. She couldn't be the one I had been feeling for all of those years. She was too funny looking; chubby and swollen at 10 lbs 5 oz.

When the C/S was over, Andrew placed her in my arms and I was wheeled into recovery. I immediately uncovered her to check out her chubby thighs. I placed her naked body on my chest as I have never been able to do with any of my baby's before but had always dreamed of doing (every one of them has been whisked off to NBICU after delivery). I closed my eyes as she snuggled up into a ball against me, and I knew this was my baby with a conviction, assurance and peace that completely swept over me. My eyes didn't recognize my baby at first, but my spirit did.

One year ago today if I would have known the trials that my family was about to endure several months after Ava's birth, I would never have believed in a million years that we would survive as an intact family. But one year later on her birthday, I am able to look back with wisdom and knowledge that I know Ava was placed in our family as a super-glue, to bind us together as the literal winds of hell have tried to blow our family apart.

Over the last seven months, there have been many times when I was convinced that things were absolutely hopeless and that our family was beyond repair and was more than ready to throw in the towel. I would then look over and see her sweet, smiling face and the love I had for her gave me the courage to stand up and continue to fight for my family.

Happy One Year Birthday Ava! It was a long and difficult journey to get you here, but we're so glad that you are safe and sound in our family. We love you so much, more than you will ever know.